Relationship Safety

Online Dating: Truth or Dare

The history of the dating world seems to have come full circle when compared to the customs of the past. It can often feel like playing a game of Truth or Dare with an uncertainty of who is on the other end of your communications.

Long before social media, marriages for the upper-class were often arranged to form alliances and to sometimes ensure the offspring were of “blue blood.” Courtship was something that was done in private at some points in history. The Victorian dating scene even involved hand fans to indicate to potential suitors whether or not a lady was interested. A closed fan meant she was not interested, half open fan indicated, an interest and a fully open fan sent the message the suitor was allowed to approach.

Dating eventually evolved to seeking a partner by posting “lonely hearts” or “lonely solider” ads in the newspaper. There were expected qualifications much like today’s online dating world ranging from body shape, hair and eye color, inclusion or exclusion of existing children, common interests, and sometimes even lustful meetings for intimate companionship or FWB (Friends with Benefits)! Many of the ads were very clear regarding the expectation of women seeking financial security. There were even acronyms like “WLTM” (would like to meet) to cut down the cost of the ads which were priced by the letter.

It wasn’t long before the personals sections of newspapers were full of ads along the lines of

“Lonely attractive widow seeks companionship and travel”

These ads were answered through writing letters and eventually a meeting would take place much like today’s dating world.

Online dating has adapted many of the past courtship signals and transformed them into online profiles and catchy headlines much like in the newspaper ads of the past. There a limited character spaces as had been the case in newspaper ads long before and hand fan language has become a right or left swipe and sometimes, put into the half open maybe list.

Of course, it wasn’t impossible to lie about one’s identity, status, and appearance when placing a newspaper ad. There are many “lonely hearts killers” that preyed upon and killed those who were lonely and seeking companionship.

When it comes to online dating today, the risks have evolved as quickly as the tools used to create online profiles. According to an article written by Melissa Lin with Toptal.com, there are over 1500 dating apps or websites available to find “the one”.

Online ads are easily manipulated to appear legitimate. The term “Catfishing” became popular somewhere around 2010 when a man named Nev Schulman began an internet relationship with a woman met online. He ultimately discovered she was not the person she pretended to be at all and was in fact forty and married.

There are countless stories of online dating gone wrong that have ended in monetary loss, stalking, harassment and even death.

So how do you stay safe when you are on a dating site?

1. Suggest to the individual that you use Facetime, Zoom, Google Hangouts. You can also use a similar live video chat to see with whom who you are really communicating. It’s wise for both of you to know early on and people who have no hidden agenda will usually agree to these types of communication.

   If the person is reluctant that doesn't mean there is deception involved, but means that you need to be on higher alert until you are able to meet in person. They may be unwilling to meet you by video until they become more comfortable with you. It works both ways but sooner rather than later you should meet virtually then personally in a public place.

   Never give out personal information of any kind until you have increased your confidence of whom you are talking to with a personal meeting beyond the virtual meeting early on in the process.

2. Trust your intuition. Have a backup plan to end the date If you feel uncomfortable, uneasy, or unsafe. You can have a friend call you for assistance as a way out, or just simply say you would like to go and walk away.

3. Invest in a background check early in the communication process. My most recent background check was for a woman who lives in Canada. She discovered her husband was carrying on an online relationship with a woman who told him she was from Austin, Texas. She confronted him and he told her he was in love with the woman, and he planned to meet her and leave his wife. I was able to determine that the profile was fake and also identified the woman in the photograph.

4. Keep all of your communications and review them for consistency. If you find even the smallest discrepancies, revisit the topic, and compare the answers.

5. Always make sure someone else knows the profile of the person with whom you are communicating.

6. When meeting someone in person for the first time, pick a very public place and never go alone and always make sure someone knows where you are going every time if you decide to continue dating the person.

7. When eating with someone you have just met and don’t know very well, never leave your food or drink sitting on the table unattended. If the situation calls for it, bring your own wine or other beverage so that you know it is safe to drink. It only takes seconds to tamper with an open unattended drink.

8. Never get into a vehicle with anyone you have just met. Take your own car if the date changes locations.

9. Carry some form of self-protection such as pepper spray and know how to use it properly. Train with a bottle to make sure you can use it effectively and know your distance. Consider taking self-defense classes and know how to employ techniques and countermeasures against physical control by someone else.

10. Don’t be afraid to offend anyone. Your safety is the top priority. If you feel uncomfortable, leave. No explanation is needed if you feel you are in danger.

11. Stay in control of the situation. Pay attention to your surroundings and do not follow commands to leave a safe area or get into a car against your will. Make noise and get the attention of the people around you if you find yourself in a dangerous situation or are threatened.